Xanthia.lua Vol E - The Crumble Of The Chinease Illuminati, The War On 33rd Wave Feminism, And A Subplot Involving Electromagnetism
NOTE: This story was deleted from trollpasta for the following reasons - "Unfunny" A\N: SUPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!!! Read from Part 1. "Honey, I'm home!" I say as I opened the door. "I fucking know that. We walked home together for fucks sake." Xanthia said. "Do you expect me to remember such minute details? I asked" I asked. I then kitched and went to go smoke weeds with Alphatom493 | Promethium45, but that was ruined when I saw my bong was smashed and there was the skeleton of my cat on the ground. Nexon to it, was a hyper-realistic triangel made of the cat's blood, and in bloody gothic writing were the words "666" and "Anarchy" wrotten in bluud. "Pfft, never like him anyway." I said, wiping a swatedroop from my brown. "Okay, you're really fucked up!" Xanthia yelled. Moments later, I kicked down Alphatom493 | Promethium45's door. Alphatom493 | Promethium45 was dressed up in a Momo Deviluke cosplay and having tea with several lolipillows. "Uh, I can explain..." Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said. "Alpha, did you notice anything weird going on?" Xanthia asked. "Well, I did see me mum dead on the carpet with the number '666' and the word 'anarchy' written in her blood, and she had no wounds. Does that count?" Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said. "THAT PROVES IT!" Song yielded as the feminazis forced the rest of the story to be in Xanthia's perpective. "The fuck are you talking about?!" Me and Alpha ask in unison. "My theory that this is a mass murder thingy going on!" Song said, swapping tenses and striking probably the most stupid pose I've seen. "Two cases of similar events happening is ALL the proof you need? With how many goths there are around here--which is a suprising amount--It could be two different people, who are completely unrelated." I responded. "Yeah but what do YOU know about science?" Song said. I then looked down to my wedding ring and cringed as I started to regret my life choices. "If only I noscoped him..." I whispered under my breath. "DAMMIT XANTHIA! WHY DID YOU FORCE THE PERSPECTIVE TO CHANGE? NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!" Song yelled like the annoying sack of rotting ape meat he practically is. "Don't you remember the 33rd wave of feminazis?" I asked, trying to see if Song's brain still worked. "STOP RETROACTIVELY MAKING PLOTHOLES! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" Song yelled. "...The fuck are you...? Whatever. So, Alpha, do you have any clues as to what could have happened?" I asked Alphatom. Suddenly, ShowWithNoName appeared, apparently out of nowhere, and kicked open the door. "Has anyone seen Mattiesensei666 or Feem?" Show asked. "How did you..." I was asking before Show cut me off. "I developed telepathy after reading Jane The Killer: The Real Story." He said. "Well, I guess that makes sense." I said. "OMFG I TINK DEY DIDEDAD!111" Song yelled. He then started to run around, but then a Damn came with what appeared to be an ACR and shot Song, which I was slightly greatful for. Then he got run over by EVIL IMMORTEN JOXXX, which was suprising since I'm sure that EVIL IMMORTEN JOXXX was simple there for the sake of a shitty little gag. "Well, I guess we should help him." Alphatom said. Then we took him to the hospital. "JUMPIN JAHOSIPHATH! Thith kid doesnth look alright!" Said the oddly feline looking doctor. Then we heard screams as Homicidal Liu came running down the hall. He slashed open the doctor's neck and Tyrone popped out somehow. "Well, I guess I know what I have to do." I said, pulling out the 420 Bloodsoaker. Alphatom pulled out a hexagonal rifle he named Dedication. "What am I supposed to use?!" Show asked. "Dunno lol." I said then tried to noscope Liu. I got about 6 rounds into the mag when he kocked me and Promethium45 to the ground. I decided to just watch instead of getting up, recipricating the Bloodsoaker's bolt, and taking another shot. Liu began approaching ShowWithNoName, walking oddly ubiquitously. However, just as Liu took a swing, a splatter of white as Liu's penis exploded. I looked over to see Tyrone in some weird pose. "Tyrone, the fuck was that?" I asked. "Don't you remember? I had become the avatar, meaning I mastered the 420 elements! I'm a proffesional semen-bender, amongst other sings." Tyrone said. Then he used blood beanding to dismember Liu, spattering blood everwhere. "Well that's oddly OP." I said. "Atleast it works." Said ShowWithNoName as he picked up the gut knife skin that Liu dropped as he vanished from existance, Minecraft-style. "So what's our plan now?" Tyrone asked. "Well, let's go find out." I said. We all left the hospital, dragging Song behind. We were about 3\5ths of the way home when suddenly a paper airplane flew and hid my head. Before I could see who did it and massacre them I got too curious as to the actial projecyile. Unfolding it, I was suprised to find some kind of map. I didn't think it was important to the plot at the time, but I became compelled to swap tenses as Song reaches over and takes it from me before I can throw it away. "I NO WER 2 GO BICHEZ!1!1!11!!!" Song yells and dragged us all along as the tense swapped AGAIN. He kept dragging us for around 3.14 hours, which I was able to measure when I caught his magical stopwatch that commonly displays Pi for some reason. By the end of it, all of our clothes were covered in blood, and the landscape was oddly fleshy looking. It almost looked more realistic then reality, which; now that I think about it; is essentially impossible, but whatever. "Song, where the FUCK are we?" I asked. "The Hyper-Realistic Bloodlands of Death and George Miller Movies." Song asnwered. "Why are you obsessed with George Miller now? Was that whole Ridley Scott thing just a phase? I thought you were a Xenomorph-kin, not a Rockatanzky-kin!" I said, delivering a kick to the testicles. "Atleast there's nothing hostile here." ShowWithNoName said. Suddenly, a whole whore of Xenomorphs drive over in Ford Falcons with the australian interceptor paintjob. Suddenly, one Xenomorph wearing an oddly arousing black leather jacket in a black Interceptor pulled up. The menacing V8 engine poking out scared us for some reason. "Goddammit, haven't you learned anything from other stories that mis-use this godawful 'Irony' trope?" I said and kicked him the testicles too. Then some weird girl with rainbow hair and a b;acl sjort fell from the sky. "Who are--" I was asking. "It's me again, BurningTorrent. I lost a wrestle match against Carl Sagan and became human again, which I think is good since Gamzee is a juggalo." BurningTorrent said as hearts materialized around eachother's heads. Before we could kiss, one of the Xenomorphs sitting on a warboy motorcycle started charging at us. I began to pull out the 420 Bloodsoaker, but before I could squeeze off a shot, Anita Sarkeesian and Briana Wu appeared. "Oh hey, are you two here to save us because we're female characters?" I asked. Then I watched as the both pulled out Glocks and aimed them at us. "Fucking hypocrites." I said. I noscoped all of the xenomorphs, at the same time somehow, and then looked back over at them, seeing if they would be consistant in their psychosis that they decided to lable an ideology. They then started firing their pistols. BurningTorrent then sprouted a large biological shield from her rainbow hair, which was almost copywright infringingly close to Yami's abilities in Motto TO LOVE Ru (don't ask me how I know that). Song and Alphatom493 | Promethium45 were toying around with a voodoo doll they made of Boshy Time, which I quickly tore into pieces so I could get them to move. It turned out that BurningTorrent's hair didn't have much tensile strength as she was shot to death quickly by the two feminazis. "Quick! We need a mode of transport!" I said. "I know!" Song says, swapping the tense and beginning to quickly build up a large vehicle. About to urge him on, I look to my side and see the duo of anti-gamergateness walking in slow motion. It looked like we had a few hours, so I loosened up (Remember perverts, I'm 13). "K DONE!" Song said, which made me realise the tense swapped again. I decided to stop acknowledging when 'now' becomes 'then' and multiple 'now's start happeing and looked at the vehicle. It was essentially a tank, but it had 13 m60s strapped to it and a large cannon that could act as either a gauss cannon or flak cannon, depending on what the plot demands. We all got in and Alphatom493 | Promethium45 started driving since the seat was on the right side. I blasted Briana Wu with the Bloodsoaker as they began running at us. "YOU TRANSPHONBIC CHANTARD SHITLORD!!!" Briana yells as she's ripped in half and spurted copius amounts of blood. Then, Anita triggers (lolpun) a transformation sequense, as she assymbles a mech suit around her in a fasion that ruined Hyperdimension Neptunia for me. She began firing lasers at us, and as it looks like it was all over, suddenly, a giant robot that looked like a mixture between BurningTorrent and a robotek mecha came flying by and blasted Anita with rockets. "Welcome back to Bullshit Trollpasta Cameotime, where I have gained access to BurningTorrent's personal armory!" YuriOfWind shouted over the external communication system. "I SHALL SLAY THEE VILE SHITLORD!" Anita yelled. They both pulled out massive laser katanas and began slashing at eachother. I would have painfully described every detail, but the photon emissions clouded our views or something. After all the lasers cleared, Anita's mech went soaring into the deepest areas of space, never to be found again. YuriOfWind activated the self destruct, and as he ejected out of the mech, it exploded into photo-realistic leftist propaganda. Then, BurningTorrent popped out. "Where the fuck did you come from Mrs.Cameo?" YuriOfWind asked. "Haven't you studied quantum mechanics? L\p=BT^2, where there is leftist propaganda I can just pop out of nowhere." BurningTorrent said. "Well that's oddly convieniant." I said. "Why are there so many terrible plot devices?" ShowWithNoName said. "Thanks to these feminazis, I really have no clue anymore." Song said. It was a couple hours later, we were driving along just fine, until I heard some music in the back. It sounded like some kind of idiot badly singing about how much they don't understand magnets. I look out of the top of the tank and see a war party approaching. I decided to hardscope to get a closer look. That's when I saw their facepaint. Shitty looking black and white clown makeup on landwhales in shitty little pickup trucks. It was a wonder that they could even move those trucks forewards. That's when it hit me, we were about to get raided by a group of Juggalos. "GUYS! THE JUGGALOS ARE COMING!" I said. "Ugh, not again!" YuriOfWind said, introducing a potentially intersting sub-plot. "Hopefully they'll pass us by." BurningTorrent said. "IS THAYUT THAR LEFTY PRAPAGUNDA?" The Juggalos said as they approached. "No chance of that now." I said. "I've got a plan to stop them, but it'll take a while to prepare!" Tyrone said. Then the Juggalos blew a hole in the tank, which was odd since that's not supposed to be possible. They blasted their shitty music into the tank, knocking out everyone except for me, because I think fainting is stupid. I put on earmuffs to turn it out and they start abducting Song. I was about to shoot them since I'm the only one able to, but since I'm the most kuudere motherfucker out there I just let them drive off with Song. Strangely they left us alone after that. I pushed Alpha out of the seat and tried to drive the tank, but the Juggalo music fucked up the controls and I ended up crashing into a ravine. I look to me side and see a cave, and then, a skeleton popped out. I was going to shoot it, but the shitty juggalo music jammed the bloodsoaker, and also caused it to overheat and melted the interior mechanism. Then the skeleton's head was shoot off with a large-mag beretta. As the skelton fell, I looked over to see a kawaii pink-haired girl holding two large-mag berettas, one in each hand. "So, who the fuck are you and why is your character introduction so atrocious?" I ask. "Uh, the name's Jenna, and I'm not exactly sure why. I was just walking along and this happened." She said. "So, are you a new addition to our shitty protagonist roster?" "Well, it's not that bad. You have Alpha and YuriOfWind, and there's also BT." Jenna says. I was contemplating giving away the plot-twist, but I ultimately decided to do some really fucking meta foreshadowing. Then, other asian girls in sailor suits came and started pulling everyone from the rekage. Then they took us all to their tribe via a raft across the river styx of hyper-realistic blood. The more I experiance this, the more it really seems like a rip-off of Beyond Thunderdome. Anyways, then all the tribe's lolis gathered around for some reason. I tried to go see what was around here but they stopped me for some reason. "Bitch, why the fuck are you holding me back?" I ask. "It's you! You're Crawler!" "What? What kind of Thunderdome rip-off is this!" Yes, I just said a question as a statement. Deal with it. "I think you're testing!" "Is this a testing, Crawler?" "NO! JUST WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" I asked. "Many times have I done this Tell!" "Can we stop adapting the script of a 70's movie?" I asked. "This ain't one body's story. It's the story of us all. We got it mouth-to-mouth, you got to listen it and 'member, 'cause what you hears today, you gotta tell the birthed tomorrow." "Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked frustraited. "Ugh, are we really going to DIRECTLY rip from the script of Beyond Thunderdome?" ShowWithNoName asked. "This is an insult to my country." Said Alphatom493 | Promethium45, putting on Max's leather jacket. "I'm looking behind us now, across the count of time, down the long haul, into history back. I sees the nd of were the start. It's the Prose-Apocalyse, full of shit! And out of it were birthed, crackling dust and fearsome time. It were full-on winter, and LOLSKELETONS chasing them all. But one he couldn't catch, that were Private Crawler. She gathers up a gang, takes to the tentacle monster, and somehow travels between planets and TIM!!1!1! So they left their homes, said bidey-by to the high-scrapers, and were left of the knowing they left behind." "Is it just me, or can I not understand their australian and japanese accents?" YuriOfWind asked. We all shushed him. "Some say the plot just stoppered, others reckon it were a gang called Shitty FNAF OCs. And after the night shift, some had been anally fucked by Mr.Dead, but some had go the luck, and they ended up here." "This is the worst filler I've ever seen." BurningTorrent says. "I always knew that the Mad Max references would get out of control if Song left the story for more then 3.14159265 femtoseconds." Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said. "Yay! Kill all waterbottles!" Jenna said. Emily through a brick at Jenna. No, that wasn't a typo. You'd just have to be there man. "One looked they's got the hots for it, they word it 'planet earth'. 'We don't need the knowing. We can live here'." "None of this ever happened. I don't know what you're talking about." Tyrone said. "Time counts and keeps counting." "You know what? Fuck this!" I say and then drop-kick the unknown speaker in the fac. They keep going for no reason. "They gets missing what they had. They got so lonely for the video games and the hentai, and they does the pictures so they'd 'member all the throw-away characters that were killed off. 'Member this?" "Tense-swap Land!" The lolis yell in unison. "'Member this?" "The Temple of Light!" "'Member this?" "Skyrim!" "Can we get on with the plot?" I asked. The lolis just threw striped panties at me. Atleast I have a new pair, clean of blood. "'Member this?" "Private Crawler!" "'Member this?" A picture of Jenna pops up. "Her waifu!" "Now hang on a moment, not only am I married to-" I was saying. "FUCKING SHUT UP!" Yells the author, further confusing me and the reader as to if the author is a seperate entity from all the characters or not. "Then Private Crawler picked them of an age and good for a long haul. They counted 3.14159265, and that were them. The great fappening." "'Merry Fuck-ups Departed at first plot point, led by Field Private X. Ravenwig', 'When will Song just die?'" "Will this keep on like this forever? Goddammit, Thunderdome wasn't even THAT good." I said. "They said-" "FUCK THIS SHIT!" I finally snapped and shot the speaker with the Bloodsoaker, despite the damages. Blood showered everywhere from the dismemberment, which caused the lolis to cry, but frankly at this point I don't care. "We's ready now!" Said Emily. "All we're gonna find is a ruined plane. I've see every Mad Max film!" I said. "Actually we've got a functional one right here." Jenna said, pointing to a 747 with a WWII nose-cone paintjob. "That was there this ENTIRE time, and you made me sit through a shitload of filler just for that?" I asked. "Basically." Emily said. Then I gouged Emily's eyes out with an iPhone and grabbed Jenna, holding her like a human-shield. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have held a 420 calibur sniper-rifle with one hand, but I did. We all made our way to the plane. Some dude named Trevor was passed out in the cockpit and we made him fly. It was around 7:68 in the morning, which is odd since time is measured in base-60. Jenna and me look at eachother and hearts began to form around eachother's heads. Apparently she developed stockholm syndrome and I was correct when I predicted that I would become part of the worst lesbian lovestory sub-plot ever. Then we heard the X-Files theme. I looked out the window to see a pyramid flying at us. "Could that missile be the work of the illuminati?" BurningTorrent asked. "Bullshit." YuriOfWind said. "Pigshit!" Jenna said with a joking nuance. Trevor cringed and flew the plane into the missile. We ended up crashing onto Hong Kong. Yes, onto, because the pollution clouds have become so thick they're practically solid yet less dense then air. "I get that you've been living in a movie rip-off, but stop with the Mad Max references." I said, ripping of Alphatom's jacket. Then more triangular missles began to break through the cloud layer. Just as they were about to strike us, there was a golden flash of light like in Pulp Fiction and we were on the ground. "I think I'll just assume the position of Flat-Earth Atheist here." I said. We walked around until we saw Michael Rosen standing infront of a giant builded that said "Irruminati Top-Secrete HQ. NO DUMPLING!!!!". "Why are there so many pointless cameos?" I asked. "Michael, what are you doing here?" BurningTorrent asked. "Well those pennsylvania masturbators stole my plums and killed Harrybo, so I went 'Would you belive it the things people do? Right, I'm going to seek revenge!'" Michael Rosen said. "Well, if you can help us, I guess that's fine." I said. Then we kicked open the door and everything went in slow motion. I began to quickly quickscope all the guards I could see. Alphatom turned into a polygon that changes sides every frame. Michael Rosen released the Skyfoogle and it began to attack the Illuminati members. Tyrone used glass bending to send bits of broken china into the eyes of the Illuminati members. YuriOfWind used his Melty Blood skills to decimate the guards too. Jenna couldn't shoot her two large-mag berettas for shit. BurningTorrent summoned Mega Ultra Chicken which stomped around and did shit. ShowWithNoName just watched. After we massacred everybody on this floor, Kim Jong-Un and Bruce Lee popped out. "OH NO! ET IZ THE MERRY FOOK-UPS!" they said and got into a tachikoma that was painted black and had a blower on the front. We all piled into smart cars and drove after them. We were driving fast when I spotted Ayayase spitting fuel into the blower. "FAGGOT!! FAAAAGGOOOOOT!!!" Jenna yelled. I slapped her because that was a reference to Slit. Around 50 sub-plots later, we finally destroyed their Tachikoma, and found that we were now back at the Chinease Irruminati HQ. There were two paths, "Agent Orange Disposal" and "Mech Refinary". Me, Jenna, Michael Rosen, and Alphatom493 | Promethium45 took the latter. The only guard on duty there was Hong Meiling, which made this whole section quick as this was essentially the most conveniant Touhou cameo ever. For some reason there was a door that lead directly to the leader. We opened it to find some guy with a swedish accent screaming. "Uh, where's the leader of the Chinease Illuminati?" I asked. Then the guy turned around. "He-he-How's it going bros?" He asked. I instantly recognised him as PewDiePie. He called his guards, which were green re-coloured DataDyne guards. Since sniper rifles aren't good assult rifles, the plot demanded it, and jet fuel can't melt steel beams, we were all captured and thrown into cages made of candy canes. Since I also watched Invader Zim I instantly broke out of my cage. Everyone else were in actually strong Jingle Jails, so I decided to root around the ventilation systems for a blowtorch. Then I drop into a room and the tense swaps. A giant pyramid with tentacles is staring at me with it's eye. It tries to wrap it's tentacles around my legs, and since the age of concent is 13 here there's no legal loopholes necessary. I instantly fling myself to the back of the room and spot a vial with the letter E on it. Thinking nothing of it, I grab it and throw. I then hear two people yelling at eachother. "We must kirr that thing to bring great honor to famury!" "WE CANNOT RET YOU DO THAT! IT IS A BEAST VERSION OF OUR MASCOT!" "Well this is oddly fucking cliche." I say and throw the vial on the monster. It then falls down and begins to vomit rainbows until it shrivels up and dies. I opened the door, swapping the tense, only to find the members of the chinease illuminati all vomitting ranbows and shriveling up. I simple exit through the vents and free everyone with the blowtorch I found in the vents on my way over. The the Dr.Wiley's Castle theme from Megaman 2 plays as we travel all over the HQ and free everyone else and make our way back to the leader. We bursted through the door, shrekoning every one of the re-skinned DataDyne guards. PewDiePie looks back at me. "Impressive for such an inferior little bitch!" He says and then grows armor out of fingernail material. At this point I'm too enraged to try to question it. Then, a dome-shaped cage with spikes on the inside lowers around us. "Are we really fucking going there?" I asked. Then Jenna jumped and clung to the cage. "TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES!" Jenna begins chanting. Alphatom cringes. Then the Mad Max 2 soundtrack begins to play. I jump up, grab a sludgehammer and the blood whistle from the top, and bounce down. I play the highest note I can and PewDiePie cringes like Blaster. I rough him up with the sludgehammer before he pulls out a knife and cuts the sledgehammer in half. He tries to plunge it into me, but I suddenly feel like a really edgy Mary Sue, and somehow hold of an 20+ year old angry sweed. Then the knife sounded like it had no reason and vanished from existance. Jenna tried to cheer me on but failed since she only knew of Emily's death. I decided to do the most lethal thing I could, I sexily kicked him in the dick, and he died like the melon lord, of which we had encountered too. Then CutiePie came out and started crying. None of us cared, so we took the bionicle mask that was sitting on his desk and left. As we begun to walk outside, a magent falls from the sky and hits my head. It has the words "How dose it work we will git u" written on it for some reason. I thought it wasn't important to the plot. The streets were oddly empty, save for the remnants of the Chinease Illuminati, which were burning corpses and catfishing whilst attempting to avoid the hentai tentacle monsters that were attempted to grasp through the flames. Next I hear a pink F-16 Fighter Jets flying above us, and they start dropping X chromasome shaped bombs. Immediately all the male characters take shelter. Me, Jenna, and BurningTorrent are oddly uneffected by the pink gases that the bombs are dispensing. Then we spot Yandere-Chan walking along, completely uneffected too. "Strange day isn't it Xanthia?" She asked. "At this point it's typical." I said. "Where's Song-kun and Mattiesensei666-sensei?" She asked. "Well, Mattiesensei666 has vanished from the plot and Song's been either killed or assymilated by the Juggalos." I said. "Thats terrible!" Yandere-Chan said. "Are we going to ignore the fact that a feminazi bombing run is happening?" Alphatom493 | Promethium45 asked. We ignored him and continued. "Well, I guess it would be. It probably would have been better if he was killed because the castrator was randomly chosen. Now that I think about it, death by Juggalos probably is the worst way to go." I said. "So what should be do now?" She said. "Maybe GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CITY?!" YuriOfWind asked. "Well, we could to much better and eradicate the feminazis, I mean, it's probably what Song would have wanted." I said. The, Will Smith rose from the dead and cast the Deus-Ex-Machina-No-Jutsu spell again, which put us in New York City. We were right infront of the HQ, but as we were going to enter, I heard it again. The sound of some idiot singing about his misunderstanding of electromagnetics. I hardscoped and saw another Juggalo warparty, but this time, I also saw Song with the same shitty face-paint. "Holy shit, he's been assymilated!" I said. Jenna knelt down and I used her shoulder to noscope. It was a painful references to Fury Road, but I didn't care this time. I killed quite a few but it wasn't long until they had all arrived. "Well, we're fucked." YuriOfWind said. "NOOOOOOOO BREATHING!" Michael Rosen yelled. All the Juggalos fell dead from suffocating. Then Song appeared. "FUCKING MAGNETS! HOW DO THEY WORK?!" He said. "Was that the plot twist?" Jenna asked. I began to strangle Song, but Mattiesensei666 popped out. Mattiensensei stopped me and taught Song about electromagnetism, and Song wiped off the shitty Juggalo facepaint. "And thus, another sub-plot comes to an end!" He said. "Well this is stupidly similar to the title." I said, making more meta humor. "So what kinda shizildy shiznit are we up to now?" Song asked. "We're gonna try to pull the big one." Alphatom said. "The big one?" Mattiesensei666 asked. "Yeah, this is one of the last big threats here. The feminazis." I said. "Well, let's go then!" ShowWithNoName. Suddenly, 69 turrets surface and begin to target all the male characters. "Fucking hypocrites!" I yell and we all quickly take cover. "So what's the plan now?" Michael Rosen asked. "Me and the rest of the female cast will infiltrate the base and shut down the turrets." I said. "Why not just take down the leader while you're at it?" YuriOfWind asked. "Because none of us know what we'll be up against, and we'll all have to be there if we find something oddly OP, but mostly because I think I can now feel whenever the plot demands something contrived." I said. Then me, BurningTorrent, Jenna, Yandere-Chan, and FunkyFeem727 got up and walked into the building. Inside, it was entirely pink and had posters that said "KILL ALL MEN!", which were also pink. "Wow, so much for getting rid of harmful stereotypes." Feem said. "Seems like that, if anything, they're creating them." Yandere-chan added. "Like I said, fucking hypocrites." I said. "Excuse me, what are you all doing here?" The secretary asked. "Uh, we're the...er...new interns!" BurningTorrent said. "Oh, well that's conveniant. If you could go fix the turrets then that would be nice." Said the secretary. "And where's the turret room...again?" I asked. "Down the west hall, three doors to your right." She responded. Then we all went sexily to the turret room. "Alright, so let's find out how to shut off those turrets." I said. At that moment, BurningTorrent slips and falls on a large red button labelled "ANTI-MRA GUN SELF DESTRUCT. DO NOT PRESS!" and the turrets explode. Sirens sound and soldiers wearing pink camoflauge with pink M4A1's start running down the halls. We saw the male cast running towords us, then other men and women getting up and joining them. They began to fight the feminazis in a way that was actually quite hard to not fap to. Then one of the soldiers came up to us. "INTERNS! WHAT'S THE STATUS?" She asked. I knocked her out and stole her ACR. BurningTorrent got out her USP-S | Moneky Buisness from the second installment. Jenna took hour her leets and Feem grabbed the soldier's knife. We made our way back to the lobby. Corpses of guards, bullet holes, and explosion decals were everywhere and it was covered wall-to-wall in red, black, and hyper-realistic blood. The secretary was dead too. "What can we do to further damage this place?" Feem asked. "Let's see, oh, we could set loose the rabid psycho-lesbians! Then we could also antagonize the BBFs, synthesize slymegirls and hentai tentacle monsters in the genetics labs, and finish it off by summoning EVIL PATRIXXX in the furnace room." I said, glancing over the map on the secretary's computer screen. "Alright girls, let's move before the plot stops moving." Jenna said. We all followed her to the second floor and released the psycho-lesbians, which proceeded to run rampent throughout the building. They broke into several rooms, raping the guards into pulp, giving us access to the genetics lab. Then we started splicing genes and doing some stuff, and then slymegirls and hentai tentacles monsters began runnin rampently through the building too. The soldiers guarding the entrance to the third floor moved to another wing of the high-scraper to deal with the slymegirls and tentacle monsters. Meanwhile, we made our way to the third floor and kicked open the door of the room that the BBFs were in. "YOU'RE ALL FAT BITCHES THAT DON'T IDENTIFY AS REAL GENDERS!" BurningTorrent shouted. All the BBFs began grunting like bulls. They used sparkly glue to attach giant knitting needles to their heads and charged at us like bulls. This is getting more surreal as we continue and it's becoming more and more apparent just how fucking hypocritically sexist these feminazis are. We led them throughout the building, making them charge into the feminazis and break through doors, which gave us access to the furnace room. Plot devices, hooray! "Alright, so what's the ritual for summoning EVIL PATRICKS?" Jenna asked. "Actually, it's EVIL PATRIXXX." BurningTorrent corrupted her. Gunfire from the war between the Egalitarian Forces and the Feminazis sounded outside, getting closer. "We need to draw 666 penises on the ground in hyper-realistic blood, all facing the west and in the shape of a pentagram." I said. BurningTorrent did so in 6.66 femtoseconds. The gunfire and shouting got closer. "And we need to write the number 66 6 times in Roman Numerals with Hyper-realistic blood." I said. BurningTorrent did so as well, since she's the only one with access to hyper-realistic blood. Jenna peeked out the door and watched grenades, lasers, mortars, missiles, and paper airplanes flying down the hallway. "And finally, we need to sacrefice a virgin..." I said. Suddenly, a squad of elite feminazis burst through the door hyper-realistically. We looked behind us, seeing that Yandere-Chan had dissapeared from the plot. "And just what do you four, like, think you're, like, doing?" The leader said. Then, Yandere-Chan appeared from behind them, weilding a katana. She stabbed the necks of all the other feminazi elites, leaving the leader to turn around in horror. Yandere-Chan, covered in hyper-realistic spinal fluids, dropped the katana and carried the leader to us. "NO! PLEASE, LIKE, DON'T KILL ME, LIKE, OMG!" She was yelling. We put her in the center of the pentagram. It began to hyper-realistically glow with a hyper-realistic pink energy in a hyper-realistic way. The energy hyper-realistically enveloped the hyper-realistic elite feminazi leader, and hyper-realistic menstural blood came hyper-realistically flowing out of her now hyper-realistic black hyper-realistic eyes with hyper-realistic red dots. Hyper-realistic floral sprites began flying around her, hyper-realistically. Then, EVIL PATRIXXX hyper-realistically came from the hyper-realistic portal that hyper-realistically opened up beneath the hyper-realistic elite feminazi soldier leader's hyper-realistic feet. He hyper-realistically ate the hyper-realistic feminazi elite. We were all amazed. EVIL PATRIXXX then decided to join us and he plated C4 all over the furnace room. "NoW, LeT'S Go!" Said EVIL PATRIXXX. Then, we all seductively jumped out of the furnace room. We had 6 minutes and 66 seconds until the entire building exploded. "We should probably kill the leader, so we can be sure that they can't revocer after this!" Jenna suggested. "Yeah, I guess that would make sense." Feem said. "Wouldn't that be a suicide mission?" BurningTorrent asked. "But we'd end this 33rd wave!" Feem said. "Yeah, but what if we don't make it out in time?" BurningTorrent asked. "Is there normally this much dialogue inbetween expositive paragraphs?" EVIL PATRIXXX asked me. "Eh, it eventually turns into white noise." I said. "But who would their leader even be? I can't think of any other prominant feminist figures that are still alive at this point!" BurningTorrent said. "Well, it might be Su-" Yandere-Chan was saying before being interrupted. Then, the audio of the first episode of Gen Zed started playing over the loudspeaker. It was then it hit me, Hayden Black. He was always Anita Sarkeesian's second in command, the second banana if you will (OFC there will be a joke stolen from MakutaXadiret727). The one who doesn't get those sweet patreon donations or BuzzFeed fluff-pieces. It turned out, that you slowly learned through Xanthia.lua, that Hayden Black was really much of a bigger threat then he seemed to be, despite it never being a theme. I know I'm halting the plot for nothing, but at this point I'm relishing in my insanity. But why is he such a threat? Money? Power? Suprise? Shock? Fear? Arousal? Barbecuesauce? Butter? Nah, that would be stupid. It's because he couldn't take being the biggest feminazi figure out there. It was then, another thought hit me. "How did in get burned?" I thought. There was a faint sound of Mattiesensei666 shouting "STOP STEALING JOKES FROM ME!" over the PA system. I thought that second thought was not important to the plot and forgot about it. "Xanthia? Are you alright?" BurningTorrent asked me. Hearts materialised around eachother's heads and I thought I'd become some part of a harem lesbian romance sub-plot, but ultimately I forgot about it since we have too many sub-plots. This story has just fallen apart. We got into a giant elevator and rode all the way to the top. We never got to the top. Moments later, the door opened and we were at the top of the building. There was nothing to avoid or kill here, it was just a red and black hallway of hyper-realsitic death. Yandere-Chan walked through it first. She then struck a pose similar to the one in Yandere-Sim when you're caught by Senpai for murdering. Yep, I knew that there would be more lifted from the second installment. EVIL PATRIXXX thre Yandere-Chan to the end of the hall and went through himself. Nothing happened. BurningTorrent walked through, and then a skeleton popped out, and then anime characters popped out, and then a yellow triangle popped out, and then CD-I link popped out. CD-I link scufffed BurningTorrent's boots and all the anime character's eyes turned black with red dots and began laughing as they leaked blood from their eyes. BurningTorrent covered her eyes and ears and began to run through the hall. FunkyFeem727 went and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way followed her. Jenna walked through and started visions of Max Rockatanzky's wife and kid as well as Glory. When she got to the middle of the hall, that scene of Toecutter's eyes popping out played. It eventually turned into a Sonic.exe rip-off with a sub-plot involving velociraptors made of cheese. Point is, she eventually made it to the end of the hall. Then I went through and nothing happened. After going through the hallway, we all walked into Hayden Black's office, which looked very close to Dr.Breen's office, but this one had alot more pink. "Uh, Mr.Black? Were here to kill you." BurningTorrent announced trimelephantly (idk just go with it). "Who's Mr.Black?" He turned around, and we all gasped. He looked like a cross-dressing version of Smash Mouth, and "I Feel Transtastic" began playing on loop. "Jesus fuck dude, you let yourself go." I said. "What do you mean?" Yandere-Chan asked since she never saw what Hayden did in 2015. "In the old world, everbody had--" Jenna was saying before I interrupted her. "STOP MAKING MAD MAX REFERENCES! WE ALREADY STOLE FROM THE SCRIPT OF BEYOND THUNDERDOME!" I yielded. "Maybe you'll all PAY ATTENTION TO ME when I show you THIS!" he said badly. Hayden then pulled a string which opened up a curtain, and there, sat a naked Richie "Ball-Lover" Marcus, as the castrator approached him. "Well, sorry Richie!" BurningTorrent yelled. But then, Will Smith popped out. "DEUS-EX-MACHINA-NO--" He was saying before one of the enraged BBFs came from the vents and squished him, killing him with her fupa. Then there was a huge fight scene between us and the BBFs that ultimately ended with Feem getting disgusted, vomitting, and leaving to be a in a better story and with the BBFs dead. Then Rebecca Watson castrated Richie "Ball-Lover" Marcus and tuned his nutsack into a mask, effectively becoming a rip-off of Stank Gum. Then she appeared before us, holding two pink lightsabers. "I PEEL THE SKIN OFF THE WEAK!" She way saying. "You wear their ballsacks, blah-blah-blah." I said then blasted her with the Bloodsoaker. Hayden Black then got into a pink BLITZKREIG and drove down the hall. "Well, fuck. How are we going to get him now?" I asked. "I've got an idea!" BurningTorrent said. The plot gave her new powers and she summoned the War Rig. "Fucking, AGAIN?!" I asked. "It'll be fun," Yandere-Chan said. "We can make a Fury Road reference and kill him!" "Are we going to forget all the Beyond Thunderdome jokes we've made?" I said. "Yeah, sure." EVIL PATRIXXX said. Then Jenna started driving the War Rig. We caught up to Hayden Black and fired a harpoon at his tank, bringing it closer to us. "Alright 'Furiosa', go do your stuff." I said. She got into the Blitzkreig, stabbed herself in the spine for some reason, then pulled the harpoon out of the tank's chassis. She opened the hatch. "Remember me?" She says and rip's Hayden Black's face off as I cringed and looked at the time. It was 4:20 AM, and then it hit me. "Didn't we plant the bomb at 3:19?" I asked. "Oh right." Everyone says in unison. We all jump out of the War Rig and hide in a soda machine as the place explodes around us like Fury Road, meaning the explosion was fucking awesome. We climbed out of the soda machine and sifted amonst the wreckage. Rebecca Watson's skeleton then got up and stole Richie "Ball-Lover" Marcus's ballsack and drove off in a limozene. "NO! NOY MY BALLSACK!" Richie yelled. "Well, I guess you'll have to make due without." I said. "What's that stomping noise?" Yandere-Chan asked. Suddenly, a giant robot with the feminazi symbol painted all over it stood up. It's head was a glass dome with a brain inside it. "What's your name?" Yandere-Chan asked. "BEEP BOOP BOP. UNIT MODEL NAME IS: SUSAN B. ANTHONY. CRUSH ALL MYSOGYNIST SHITLORDS!" It said then began to fire lasers everywhere. Song and his gang then broke from the wreckage and we all took sheltar in the trenches. "So wait, why am I in this story?" Richie asked. "I don't know, as Xanthia." Song said. I shrugged. "We have to recover Richie's ballsack and destory that robot!" BurningTorrent said. "I AM SUSAN B. ANTHONY!" The robot said. "I think I know just the thing!" EVIL PATRIXXX said. EVIL PATRIXXX and BurningTorrent then did devil fingers, which summoned BURNING.TORRENT.EXE from the depths of Sheol. BURNING.TORRENT.EXE then had a sex-fight with Mecha Susan B. Anthony. "Move while the plot device is in effect!" YuriOfWind shouted. We all ran, but then, Susan B. Anthony threw a Thunderstick at Song. Then he got that glare in his eyes, the one when people challange his devotion to something. And then, a miracle happened. The Honey Badger Brigade appeared. They ran a bombing run of EMP charges, and since EMPs work differently in this universe, it simply stunned Susan B. Anthony for a while. BURNING.TORRENT.EXE then vomitted hyper-realistic volitile skittles mixed with hyper-realistic semen all over Susan B. Anthony. Susan then drop kicked BURNING.TORRENT.EXE, sending it's head flying. It landed near us and simply said: "IF YOU CAN'T FIX WHAT'S BROKEN, YOU'LL GO INSAAAAAaaaaaa...." "Atleast it didn't finish." I said. "HURRY! GET IN!" Richie said. We all look over to see him sitting ontop of a giant balltank. We all get in and it drives off super fast with bitchin' green flames. Susan B. Anthony began chasing us, and I shit you not, the Benny Hill theme started playing. We were driving all over New York and ran over Donald Trump and David Cameron along the way. We caught up to Rebecca Watson. Richie "Ball-Lover" Marcus lept from the Balltank with two Covenant plasma grenades, which exploded after he grabbed his ballsack back, killing him and Rebecca. "MEDIOCRE RICHIE!" Jenna yells. I slap her again. Alphatom then programs an Open Hexagon level and sends Maniac to implant it into Susan, which slows her down a bit. ShowWithNoName asks her to divide by zero, which slows her down. Michael Rosen summons EVIL SKYFOOGLXXX, which shits all over Susan. Mattiesensei666 and Tyrone go super saiyan and Kamehameha Susan. BurningTorrent smokes weed every day. Finally, Song, with his newfound knowledge of electromagnetism, throws a hunk of neodymium at Susan B. Anthony, knocking her over. We stop the Balltank when she, luckily, lands on the ground. "Well, I guess that takes care of that." I said. "EXEC_SCRIPT("DIABLOUS_EX_MACHINA.LUA")!" Susan said. This made everyone except me faint. Susan's brain ejected in a smaller robot, the size of a 13 year old girl, and started running at me. Punch after punch she hammers on me. "YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED, SHITLORD!" It yells. "I was in the middle of a rip-off of beyond thunderdome, and I realised something. I'm not the kind of girl that runs from LOLSKELETONS, I carry him in my pocket!" I said and opened up my pocket, and then, a skeleton popped out. It was LOLSKELETONS, and it destroyed the mini-Susan. I was happy. "Finally, it's over!" I said. "Yeah, it is, now end this shit story." LOLSKELETONS said. Then, something stabbed LOLSKELETONS. "Oh for fucks sake!" Mattiesensei666 yielded. "I'm out." Alphatom493 | Promethium45 said and walked into the sunset, holding hands with Maniac for some reason. Then something flung LOLSKELETON's skeleton to the ground. It was Voldemort. "THOU SHALT ALL BE SLAIN BY MY HAND, FOR I DOTH STARTED THIS CONFLICTION!" I look to my side and see a message scrawled on the wall, How'd it get burned? It was then, we all knew what to do. Alphatom493 | Promethium45, Hexadorsip, Alex Corruptor, Boshy Time, Maniac, Snoop Dogg, Max Rockatanzky, Richie "Ball-Lover" Marcus, Chocola, Vanilla, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, Raiko, Tommy Wiseau, Jacob, Matt, Toby, BLACKBusterCritic, Mutahar, Mr.Beaver, Mrs.Brummette, and Dr.Powell teleported here, and we all formed a pyriamid with Mattiesensei666 on the top. He struck a Ginyu Force pose, like he had beaten the level. A hexagon began fizzing at the top, but then it vanished. "Well I'll be damned. I knew you kids weren't compitant enough!" Dr.Powell said. Voldemort started to charge up a spell, but then, he was blinded as the light of 400 billion suns appeared, and Carl Sagan descended from the sky. Mattiesensei666 struck the pose again, and as the hexagon formed, Carl Sagan focused the light of billions and billions of stars onto it's center point. It opened up into a portal, and out came the ubiquitous excessive melee bridge. Voldemort simply looked to the right and was shocked. "Hey Volde, ready for round two?" Said a familliar voice. Then he stepped off of the bride. Dressed in blue, tall and angry, it was Nicholas Cage. Voldemort shat himself as Nicholas jumped on him again, and again, and again, stomping him into the pavement. Then they both exploded. "Well, this was stupid." I said and got out of the pyramid. Everybody fell down and we all went home. Then end. Category:NSFW Category:Carl Sagan Category:Utub Peeps Category:Yandere-Sim Category:Xanthia.lua Category:Hexagonal Category:Deletion Log Refugees